Winter Has Been Here the Whole Time

This is so hard to write, but I need to do it.

I have never been in a real relationship. When I actually say it openly, I realize how much it hurts. It really is painful to go out into the world each day, and see people walking hand in hand, or embracing each other as if nothing else matters in the universe except themselves. When I see this, and it gets to me, this is what I see in my mind's eye:

Imagine being in the forest during a cold, but clear skied night during Christmas time. There is snow on the ground, and the stars are shining bright with the moon illuminating everything around you. Now, picture coming across a large meadow, where an empty grass field would be, only to be covered by snow at this time. In the middle of this meadow is a log cabin, with fire coming out the chimney, and bright lights shining from inside the house. It's a setting for one of the happiest, most heart-warming places anyone could be. When I look inside that log cabin, I see everyone that I have ever met in one room (which probably includes you, if you're reading this), and everyone is accompanied by their significant other. Everyone is nicely dressed for this occasion, and they are all partaking in delicious desserts, coffee, hot chocolate with marshmallows, anything one could enjoy for the time of the season. But most of all, they are enjoying the company of themselves. They are fully aware of how great their current situation is, and with comfort food at one side, and a loved one at the other, everyone has achieved a state of pure content.
But where am I during all of this? I am outside, forced to endure the brutal conditions on my own. I see everyone inside, how they all are so happy with where they are, and all I want is just to be let in. I bang on the windows, screaming. "LET ME IN, PLEASE LET ME IN!!!" Yet nobody hears me. Some people cannot hear me, others can, yet they choose to do nothing about it. Why? Because this place is for couples only. Anyone else is simply not good enough to come in. This rule could be broken, but anyone who knows I'm out here has the same mentality: he's a loser. He would ruin everything by coming in. We deserve to be in here; he deserves to be out there. In the end, I remain outside: unwanted, and alone.

It's so cold out here. It's so damn cold out here.

All I can think of is this: my fear, but also my stark realization, that I will probably die this way.

Perfect for the Resurrection Season

"Once you accept your own death, all of a sudden you're free to live. You no longer care about your reputation. You no longer care except so far as your life can be used tactically to promote a cause you believe in."-Saul Alinsky

My new goal is to accept my death. After all, it is a reality that we all must face sooner or later in life, so why not just get it over with? I figure that if I end up in a warzone one of these days, having this mentality could be most beneficial for success. Which is better: a warrior that is only focused on self-survival, or a warrior that has accepted death and can focus on the mission at hand?

Perhaps the five stages of grief will be the process to use in this situation: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. So, let the denial begin (and end quickly, I hope). For some reason this idea reminds me of another quote which I feel needs no introduction:
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

I would write a song about life, but John Mayer beat me to it, and his is much better.

A Question has been plaguing me lately.

Do I have what it takes to take a life?


If I play my cards right, I may be forced into such a scenario. Only then can the question really be answered.

Capstone: The Beginning

I finally started researching for my capstone. I have yet to figure out what my research question is, but I will get there soon enough. I know my variables will have something to do with a) Christianity, and b)Republicans. While in today's world they go together hand-in-hand, I would like to show that thier core values are actually quite different. I have a couple of articles now, and about 30 to go. I started reading them, but decided to learn this song instead:

"I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud"

I have wanted to share this poem for a long time now. Here it is.


"I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud"
by William Wordsworth


I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed---and gazed---but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

My Fajitas

Ingredients:
.25 Green Bell Peppers
.25 Red Bell Peppers
.25 White Onion
2 Chicken Thighs
Chili Powder
Onion Powder
Garlic Powder
roughly 1 oz. butter
4 Flour Tortillas
Taco Cheese

Grill chicken. Cut up bell peppers and onions to your desire. Once chicken is done, cut it up into pieces. With a skillet, heat butter until melted. Add bell peppers, onions, and chicken to skillet. Cook with low heat, stirring frequently for a few minutes. Add a small amount of chili powder, along with a decent amount of garlic and onion powder (amount is subject to taste). After a few more minutes of stirring, stop heat. Cook tortillas and add contents of skillet with cheese to tortillas and fold. Enjoy.