I would write a song about life, but John Mayer beat me to it, and his is much better.

A Question has been plaguing me lately.

Do I have what it takes to take a life?


If I play my cards right, I may be forced into such a scenario. Only then can the question really be answered.

Capstone: The Beginning

I finally started researching for my capstone. I have yet to figure out what my research question is, but I will get there soon enough. I know my variables will have something to do with a) Christianity, and b)Republicans. While in today's world they go together hand-in-hand, I would like to show that thier core values are actually quite different. I have a couple of articles now, and about 30 to go. I started reading them, but decided to learn this song instead:

"I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud"

I have wanted to share this poem for a long time now. Here it is.


"I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud"
by William Wordsworth


I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed---and gazed---but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

My Fajitas

Ingredients:
.25 Green Bell Peppers
.25 Red Bell Peppers
.25 White Onion
2 Chicken Thighs
Chili Powder
Onion Powder
Garlic Powder
roughly 1 oz. butter
4 Flour Tortillas
Taco Cheese

Grill chicken. Cut up bell peppers and onions to your desire. Once chicken is done, cut it up into pieces. With a skillet, heat butter until melted. Add bell peppers, onions, and chicken to skillet. Cook with low heat, stirring frequently for a few minutes. Add a small amount of chili powder, along with a decent amount of garlic and onion powder (amount is subject to taste). After a few more minutes of stirring, stop heat. Cook tortillas and add contents of skillet with cheese to tortillas and fold. Enjoy.

Non so perche, ma stasera, mi sento nervoso. Penso che la vita ci offre volte difficile e dobbiamo lavorare tragli. Ma questo non si sente simili a quel. Voglio sentirsi como mi sono sentito l'ultima settimana. Non posso andare tra tempo, ma posso fare il migliore con che ho.

Devo pensare molto, e che faccio il migliore.

Who or What Am I?

Anyone who knows me can testify to witnessing my heavy amount of criticism toward most things in life. Now, I believe a certain amount of cynicism can be granted to anyone out there with half a brain, but it's fairly indisputable that some (like me) can take it too far. I feel as though I have frustrated, and possibly even angered my friends. If this is true, I sincerely apologize to the offended. After giving the topic some thought, an explanation has come.

When I encounter a novel stimulus out in the world, my interpretation of the stimulus is very dependent on the situation in which I experience it. Actually, come to think of it, this is true for about everyone on this planet! But what makes me so different? Well, there could be many factors contributing to this. For one, I think I tend to not immediately understand the full function or purpose of the stimulus, and if I think I do, I instantly fabricate a cynical view on the subject. Why is this? I really don't know. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism I developed to prevent myself from turning my hopes into Icarus. On the other side of the coin, there are many cases where I honestly do not see anything good out of a stimulus, and I feel as though I could argue and convince anyone to see how I see. Maybe that was a bit egotistical, but that is how I sincerely feel sometimes.

I may not know why I do the things I do, but I am aware that they can be upsetting to those around me. For that, I am sorry.

Crazy white people...

I read this article, and I reminded me of at least two of my followers:

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2009/02/24/122-moleskine-notebooks/

It's not going to stop

'til you wise up.

The Frozen Man

My apologies for the extended hiatus. I wanted to post this because I for some reason, I really connect with it, though I don't know why. I am posting the lyrics, but I recommend that you actually listen to the song.

The Frozen Man
by James Taylor

Last thing I remember is the freezing cold
Water reaching up just to swallow me whole
Ice in the rigging and howling wind
Shock to my body as we tumbled in
Then my brothers and the others are lost at sea
I alone am returned to tell thee
Hidden in ice for a century
To walk the world again
Lord have mercy on the frozen man

Next words that were spoken to me
Nurse asked me what my name might be
She was all in white at the foot of my bed
I said angel of mercy I'm alive or am I dead
My name is William James McPhee
I was born in 1823
Raised in Liverpool by the sea
But that ain't who I am
Lord have mercy on the frozen man

It took a lot of money to start my heart
To peg my leg and to buy my eye
The newspapers call me the state of the art
And the children, when they see me, cry
I thought it would be nice just to visit my grave
See what kind of tombstone I might have
I saw my wife and my daughter and it seemed so strange
Both of them dead and gone from extreme old age
See here, when I die make sure I'm gone
Don't leave 'em nothing to work on
You can raise your arm, you can wiggle your hand(unlike mysef)
And you can wave goodbye to the frozen man

I know what it means to freeze to death
To lose a little life with every breath
To say goodbye to life on earth
To come around again
Lord have mercy on the frozen man
Lord have mercy on the frozen man

The Wrestler

Bruce Springsteen says it all...



Have you ever seen a one trick pony in the field so happy and free?
If you've ever seen a one trick pony then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a one-legged dog making its way down the street?
If you've ever seen a one-legged dog then you've seen me

Then you've seen me, I come and stand at every door
Then you've seen me, I always leave with less than I had before
Then you've seen me, bet I can make you smile when the blood, it hits the floor
Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything more?
Tell me can you ask for anything more?

Have you ever seen a scarecrow filled with nothing but dust and wheat?
If you've ever seen that scarecrow then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a one-armed man punching at nothing but the breeze?
If you've ever seen a one-armed man then you've seen me

Then you've seen me, I come and stand at every door
Then you've seen me, I always leave with less than I had before
Then you've seen me, bet I can make you smile when the blood, it hits the floor
Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything more?
Tell me can you ask for anything more?

These things that have comforted me, I drive away
This place that is my home I cannot stay
My only faith's in the broken bones and bruises I display

Have you ever seen a one-legged man trying to dance his way free?
If you've ever seen a one-legged man then you've seen me

Maybe I should be more careful...

I have been jogging almost every day this past week, with my longest run ever at 3 miles on Thursday. I have also been working out a lot and I have seen improvement on my body from it. I have also been dieting, simply by eating less and drinking a lot more water. I have not officially made this decision, but I think I might want to cut out red meat for a while. My worst food day was yesterday, when all I had was two tuna sandwiches for dinner, which was after a run and workout. I felt really hungry after a couple of hours, but I ignored it. Ayway, today my stepdad and I went out to lunch with his mom, daughter, grandson, son-in-law, and the son-in-law's parents, who I met for the first time. We first walked into a coffe shop, and right after we walked in, I had difficulty breathing. It was a little scary for me, as I had never experienced something like that before. Immediately after, I could feel a large abount of blood rush to my head; I thought I was going to pass out.

Fortuanately, I did not pass out. However, I still felt really weird until we ate. I ended up eating a decent amount, but soon after, other problems arose. As I finished, every muscle in my body began to ache like nobody's business. It was as if all the soreness had laid dormant until the appropriate time came about, which happened to be right after lunch. It really doesnt sound that bad from reading about it, but the experience was something that I would not prefer, especially when I want to socialize with such nice people, but can't because my body is literally shiverring from the pain.

It made me realize that I really should take better care of myself; overeating and binging on junk food are not the only ways to damage the body...

Story

I am going to be short with my introduction to this video because I have already described most of what happened in my blog from Thursday, January 22, 2009 titled School.

A couple of weeks ago, Dr. Erikson gave a lecture about narrative therapy. To illustrate his lesson, he brought in his percussive instrument, and while he played it, he told us the following story:

Before I go to bed...

I want to throw in a small post very quickly. I wore this shirt today:

and nobody understood it. I am very disappointed in the lack of high-quality movie knowledge that my fellow students possess. Please let me know if any of you understand. If you do, I will be forever appreciative.

lol

School

Things have gotten off to somewhat of a rocky start for me. The classes themselves are going fine, but trouble consistently arises everywhere else. For example, I recieved a letter from Residential life saying I have 30 days to get out of here because I do not hold enough units. This was sort of true, but only because my advising professor had not yet posted our research as a class (its up now). Also, I am trying to get into the Advanced Research Methods class, which I am still not sure if I will get in or not. On top of the class being full, a prerequesite for it is the upper-division statistics, which I have yet to take. I spoke with the professor about this, he said he would still admit me if I had approval from my advising professor. I still need to take care of this...

Another issue is with the International Program; I need to finish my application! I am almost finished, with only the personal statement to complete. Its due by February 1st and if I don't have everything by then, I dont think I can go. So, I will keep my focus on this as well.

On a much lighter note, I had my first offical counseling lecture, and all I can say is....WOW. Dr. Erikson is so amazing; all I know is that I left the class completely spellbound. The beginning was good at best, but then he began speaking about a bag. He displayed a large faded green pack, not unlike what a soldier would carry, and discussed how every patient comes in with a bag (clearly to symbolize life experiences, hopes, fears, etc.). He then offered some of the best information i have heard since I started in this field. The best, however, was immediately after this, when he revealed the contents of his bag (I mean in a literal sense). I cannot remember then name of it, but picture a djembe, only slightly smaller. He picked this up and bagan to play it and speak to us at the same time. He iformed us on how lower pitch sounds are considered male sounds, mid-range is female, and the tiny sounds represent children. Then he told us a story, which is very underestimating to say; it's like calling the Atomic bomb a firecracker. The story was about two people and their journey, with ten different events in the story. I can only remember a couple: one where one of the persons looked into a mirror, and the mirror spoke, and said, "Your eyes are not your eyes because you see them, they are your eyes because they see you." I am working on a meaning to this, and if you have one, don't be afraid to share your thoughts. Another event was right after, where the two had to cross the lake of shame. In order to do so, they needed a boat from a judge, who offers it to them if they answer one question: "Are you a sinker, floater, or a swimmer?" They offer an answer (unknown to the audience) and they get it right. On their way, one turns back to the judge and shouts, "What is greatness?!" (I think it was greatness, if not, then some idea that people strive for but always wonder if they have). The judge shouts back, "Greatness is like a duck!". Oh and yes, this story did sound a lot like it was written by someone on an acid trip; there was more about a shaman coming out of a fire, and a banana inside a bottle, but I cannot remember. ANYWAYS, the point was at the very end, the shaman comes out of the fire and asks two questions:

What are you holding on to that you might need to let go of?
When did this story have impact?


We will discuss this more in class on tuesday, and I cannot wait. This was one of the few times where I was severly disappointed that class time had run out. Today was good; I will not forget it anytime soon...

Music's got me feelin' so free

we're gonna celebrate...

Movie Day

4 in total, a couple mediocre, a couple top-notch. I keep seeing the trailor for the new Underworld movie, which looks good, but I had not seen the first two. So, I spent my morning watching them. The first one was decent, it kept my intereset with the story. the second one, however, was not quite as good. Actually, I can't say much about it, as I did not see the end. After that, I headed to Edwards to see Doubt and Slumdog Millionaire.

Doubt was nothing shy of superb. With Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Meryl Streep, and Amy Adams in the cast, an excellent acting job is sure to come. I don't want to give it away, but the story is set at an American Northeastern Catholic school in 1964. The entire movie is centered around what may or may not have happened when the priest of the school calls the only african american student into his office. What made it interesting for me was that it offered 2 very opposite views on the situation; one being from Adams' character, who is above all else innocent and very naive. The other is from Streep's character, who is very experienced and believes she knows everthing that is going on at all times. With a very unique ending, Doubt ended up being very thought-provoking and I would definitely recommend it to anyone who wants to see a movie that is not afraid to make you ask questions.

As for Slumdog Millionaire, this movie showed me one of the best stories I have come across in a long time, if not ever (in some respects). When I first heard about it, I looked for it on IMDb and the description told me this:

"The story of the life of an impoverished Indian teen Jamal Malik, who
becomes a contestant on the Hindi version of "Who Wants to be A
Millionaire?", wins, and is then suspected of cheating."

This did not interest me at all initially. Later, I watched the trailor; this was something that seriously did the movie justice. For each question he is asked on the show, the movie does a flashback of when and how he knew what was asked of him. From start to finish, this movie held on to my interest and refused to let go. Honestly, I think this story might be better than Benjamin Button (you read that right, Ryan Lewis). I would say more about this movie, but I really do not want to give everything away. All I can say is if you have not seen it, do so as soon as possible; you will not regret it.

All in all, this was a great day. If you have not seen Slumdog Millionaire or Doubt, do so. Now.

Turning the Frown Upside-Down

Cheesy title, I know, but fitting, nonetheless. On occasion it's common for me to experience a small bout of sadness. Most of the time, it is unexplainable; it comes from out of the clear blue sky and ruins my outlook on everything I experience. In order to give my attitude a 180 degree turn, I use a method that I highly recommend. This method, which I recommend most but practice least (shame, I know), is simply to do something good for someone that is not you. Please others, and you will find yourself pleased, I believe. Not only is this efficient for healing your sadness, but it also works as practice in selflessness. I don't remember where I read it, but in a book I read it says that selflessness is not thinking less of yourself, but rather spending so much time on working to improve the lives of everyone around you that you really have no time at all to think about yourself. If I could ever get myself to that point, I don't believe I could ever be sad like I get these days ever again. The good actions you could take range from anywhere between saving someone's life to simply praying for somebody who may really need it. Long story short, if all you can think about is how YOU are feeling, try taking your mind off you and on to someone else. Chances are, your saddness will be long gone.

In the dream where you show up to school naked, why do you never go swimming?

This was my random question from blogspot; i decided to answer it, but it said my answer was too long. So, I am posting it.


Dreams, believed to occur during REM (Rapid Eye Movement), are a series of percieved images and sounds during sleep. When a person is awake and alert, their brain emitts beta waves. Once they become sleepy, other brain waves emit, such as Alpha waves, theta waves, and delta waves, all in different stages of sleep. However, when a person evters REM, the strangest thing happens: their brain emitts beta waves, the very same that come when they are wide awake. That being said, it should be considered that there are similarities between the dream world and what is really going on. Now, when people go to sleep, they generally are not wearing very much. This potentially could explain why people dream about being naked in the first place. As for the lack of swimming, nobody really goes to sleep in water, so there is no real reason to dream of swimming.

So let it begin

I have begun this new endeavor known as blogging; I suppose credit goes to Rachel Floyd for the motivation to do such a thing. I was reading her blogs today, and I couldn't help but think, "This is very intriguing; would people think the same about me if I wrote about my life?" So, I'm giving it a shot. There is not much to report as of the moment, but more is sure to come.

Tomorrow, Stef and I will be heading to Pismo for some delicious clam chowder and a day of whatever we wish with Wes (ooh, alliteration). Look for more on that subject in the future, along with my experiences and beliefs on virutally every idea that catches my fancy, e.g. God, psychology, philosophy, music, love, capitalism, socialism, movies, art, altruism, books, ethics, health, irony, fate, free-will, science, etc.